Could not sleep last night. Tossed and turned. Partly because I couldn't breath, partly because I kept thinking about Christmas day. Last year I worked, with my husband's encouragement (little did I know then), Christmas day, Boxing day and the 27th. And now, those days I will be alone again. I have a few hours with DD in the morning of the 25th; I want it to be happy and fun; but I am so afraid I'm going to lose it and be a big crying mess.

I've had offers to come to other peoples' homes for the day. I can't do it; it will just be a big glaring reminder that I am no longer part of the family I've had for 22 years and spent Christmas day with, since I was 17 years old. It's a day that I have to, somehow, get through, on my own.